Some days it takes a supreme effort of will and faith that all this is meant to heal me.
Priest said at mass today to be holy, be faithful, and follow Christ's example.
I went to mass yesterday and the Gospel reading was about false prophets. His homily was on how we all get suckered in by certain people and everything that bombards us on a daily basis. The priest said we should all listen to the Holy Spirit working through us. Do what is God's way, not what is our way. And to stay away from people who don't speak kindly, who don't speak in loving ways. And to go by his father's simple rule: If it ain't right, it ain't right.
I'm getting treatment at the New York Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital. I saw this map/sign today at the patient waiting area: Radiation Oncology Babies Tunnel. It struck me as funny, picturing babies using the tunnel to get around. Perhaps to get to the Baby Depot?
But seriously, it's heartbreaking to see the children and infants coming for treatment. I always wonder what illnesses they have, and what their parents/families must be going through. At least I'm older. Malakas pa sa kalabaw!
My mother went back to the Philippines last night. And I go through my usual guilt trip for not treating or speaking to her more kindly. Some days I felt I'd earned the right to be cranky. But that's probably not true. Anyway, I never intentionally meant to hurt her feelings or be mean to her. And I hope she knows that. Mother-daughter relationships are so complicated. I wish I could be like my other sisters and know how to deal with her better.
I got into the NYC Hope Lodge! I feel so blessed. My sister Lynn and I moved in today, with Cecile and her husband's help. Huge room, beautiful, eco-friendly building. And nearMacy's and Madison Square Garden, which could be a plus or minus. Thank God for the generosity of people. At least now I won't bother my family too much about bringing me to and fro radiation. Except Lynn of course. I feel guilty about that. Although she's never said or done anything to show that she minds being my caregiver, driver, assistant extraordinaire. God bless my sisters, too!
Hurley: Dude, Nikki's dead.
Sawyer: Who the hell's Nikki?
Sawyer pours out Paulo's bottled water)
Hurley: Dude, what are you doing?
Sawyer: Two people are dead. You ever think they might have been poisoned?
Hurley: That's evidence! You're messing up the crime scene!
Sawyer: Crime scene? There a forensics hatch I don't know about?
Hurley: Apologize for calling me all those names.
Sawyer: Ugh. I'm really sorry I called you rotund.
Hurley: Really?
Sawyer: Oh, god! You're worse than a girl! Come on, let's, uh, spread the love. (edit)
Sawyer: You know how for three days, ten hours and 15 minutes I ain't allowed to use nicknames?
Hurley: Yeah.
Sawyer: Well, you Sir Hugo, are rotund, annoying, and you're ruining my damn view! How's that for amends?
Charlie: Hey. Whoa, that's too much water. It's gonna be all soggy.
Hurley: It's oatmeal, dude. It's supposed to be soggy.
Sawyer: Well, if it ain't three men and a baby. (pause) I counted Hugo twice. Oh, what? Come on, I used your name.
Sayid: You said earlier if you told me everything you knew, I'd kill you....I'm going to test the validity of that statement.
Sawyer: He means talk.
Juliet: We don't have time for this.
Sawyer: We cleared our schedules. We got all the time in the world.
Sun: Trust her? She's one of them!
Jack: Not anymore. They left her behind.
Charlie: Oh yeah? Where'd they go?
Jack: I told you. I don't know.
Sawyer: Maybe we better ask her.
Jack: She doesn't know either.
Sawyer: Well, here's a wacky idea. Let's sic our resident Iraqi on her. Let him do what he does and then see what she says.
Sayid: No, I don't do that anymore.
Sawyer: Well, ain't that convenient.
(To Jack and Juliet, who were talking)
Sawyer: Hope I'm not interrupting. You two arguing over who's your favorite Other?
Sawyer: Did you tell him?
Kate: Did I tell who what?
Sawyer: You know, did you tell the Doc ... about you and me?
Kate: No, but he knows. He saw us in one of their surveillance monitors.
Sawyer: I thought you said the camera was broken.
Kate: Well, they had another camera.
Sawyer: Perverts.
Sawyer: You need me to make you a mix tape?
Kate: Yeah, why don't you do that?
(About the ping-pong table)
Sawyer: If we don't play every 108 minutes, the island is going to explode!
Sawyer: You want me to walk you home?
Kate: It's five tents, I think I'll make it.
Sawyer: You sure? I gotta pee anyway.
Kate: That is so romantic.
Tom: Okay. I give up.
(Sawyer shoots him in the chest)
Sawyer: That's for taking the kid off the raft.
Hurley: Dude, it was over. He surrendered.
Sawyer: I didn't believe him.
Woke up bright and early for the second day of treatment. We were there an hour early so we hung out and had breakfast. We ended up waiting for a while because the computer had some glitch. The therapists said it happens when they end up giving a treatment on New Start day. Today I had Dennis again and Rosemarie. Tomorrow should be smooth. They have such caring staff at Columbia. I'm amazed at how they can keep up their kind attitude and demeanor in the face of such life-threatening illnesses. If it were me, I'd be down at some point. Maybe that's why I'm not in this field.
Saw 4 other patients in the waiting area. One well-dressed lady started talking to me. Turned out her daughter died from anaplastic astrocytoma 15 years ago. It was pea-sized but so deep in the brain it was inoperable. Radiation and chemo didn't work. Now she's raising her daughter's son, a 16 year old. And she has uterine cancer. I wish her well.
My brother-in-law's father also has to start radiation therapy. They found a small spot on his lungs when they did a recent scan. So much illness. I pray he'll be healthy and cancer-free for many, many years to come. He has to be around to attend ALL his kids' weddings and play with ALL his grandchildren from ALL his kids. Stay strong Mr. A!
I had my new start session today, to take other scans and make sure everything's on the up and up. The CT scans were fine so the doctor said go ahead and give me my first treatment. Thank goodness Dennis and Angela could find the tattoos so I didn't have to get new ones! I felt headachy afterwards, and my right jaw feels tender. Not sure if it's from the treatment.
Madeline the Social Worker already submitted the application for Hope Lodge. Hope I get in!
One down, twenty nine to go.
As I start my IMRT today,
I vow to be cancer-free;
To never be sick a day in my life again;
To go through radiation with minimal to no side effects;
To not let malignant cells, thoughts and feelings get the better of me again ever;
To stay away from malignant people;
To be courageous, optimistic and positive at all times.
