Mathoms, etc.

In a deep funk. I justify my weepiness and irritability by saying it's hormonal. Day in, day out, I listen and deal with people in pain, hear their complaints. I find my mind drifting off as they continue with their litany of problems. I was snippy with a male patient who I find odd. I yelled at this spoiled 8 year old girl who probably has ADD, and with a teen's attitude already, to do what she's supposed to. I had to keep redirecting this new patient who kept going off on tangents and wouldn't give a straightforward answer. I sent a brusque text message to my Mum after I found out they weren't coming out here when they're supposed to. Of course I felt bad and sent a somewhat contrite follow-up text.

I cringe everytime I hear myself say a gruff remark. And then the guilt begins. Followed by anger at other people's deportment. Then the rationalization for MY bad behavior. Anger at myself for feeling that way. It ends with acceptance of my atrocious conduct and the need to forgive myself.

Forgiveness-noun. The act of pardoning, absolving, ceasing to blame or demand penalty, ceasing to feel resentment.

What if forgiveness never comes?