Mathoms, etc.

5.27.2008 Tuesday

Woke up early to shower. Thank God K. Rene decided to take 2 cars although I felt bad that he had to be involved in this. A. Des drove my car. I can't even look at the man I call my biological father. I had all negative things to say against him. It felt good to run my mouth the whole way into the city. K. Rene's a better man than me.

Not too late for appointment (905 AM), filled out paperwork. No co-pay? Got called maybe half hour later into an exam room. Dr. Bruce Almighty said everything looks like it's healed well. He took each and every one of my questions after taking the staples out. Some hurt. Not the questions, the staple removal, harhar! No special dressings/wound care needed. I can dye my hair in 3 weeks he said. Never did before, but what better time to start than now. Wonder if dyes are carcinogenic. He said to see a neurologist and radiation oncologist, and to see him in 3 months. He'll do an MRI then, although if I get radiation I will get an MRI sooner anyway.

Oh did I mention it's not benign? He sat down to chat, and said it's a malignancy that doesn't spread. It's all out so he's not worried. He even said no rush for the radiation. They're gonna talk about me at some meeting this Thursday. I asked how big it was and he gestured with his hand. It was bigger than a golf ball, maybe the size of a tennis ball. I asked again if it could recur and he said that's why they want to irradiate. He said meningiomas are usually benign but this was a rare aggressive form. ANAPLASTIC HEMANGIOPERICYTOMA. That's why it was so bloody. He asked who I needed him to write to and I gave him my primary MD. He took us back to his nice office so his secretary could give me the docs' names. I thanked him profusely and I said how lucky I was to hear about him. He asked how I got his name and I mentioned Wily Lopez, a famous Pinoy neurosurgeon. Apparently he works at the lab with Wily's son. God bless Dr. Jeffrey Bruce.

Again, no surprise. I half expected it to be malignant after they kept saying it was so bloody. Still no hysterics. Maybe I'm just not prone to it. We drove home, had a snack at Dunkin' Donuts. Katherine called while we were on the road and I kinda told her about Daddy's tantrum. I decided I'll tell her later so at least someone there knows the true story. I emailed her later.

Of course when K. Rene got to Cecile's, we just had to talk things out. Had a lot of laughs before they had to leave to pick up Kristen. Dad called Mom a couple of times with silly questions. In a way I felt bad for him because after his temper tantrum, he's faced with the knowledge that I need further treatment. My, how vindictive of me.

I took a nap and told Pinky the whole sordid drama. I have no qualms, no sense of shame. Ces and Lynn chatted with Katherine. Story she heard was that I disrespected T. Nona...I probably did. But that's her own fault for being stupid. I keep expecting a kinder, gentler Lani after surgery but seems like that's not happening.

I kept expecting SI people to call and say Dad's in the hospital. But thankfully, no news like that. What happened to his chest pain? Katherine said malungkot daw, palaging nakahiga after he heard about the biopsy results. Let him stew in his juices. Nabigla lang daw siguro and how he realizes his mistake. Knowing him, he's not the type to say sorry anyway, even if he realizes he should apologize. He is the patriarch after all.

I told A. Des she's on her own as far as caring for him. I'd stick him in a nursing home. I wish Lynn can find a job here. I fear for her being back there, seeing how his bad behavior is escalating. Mum knows how to deal with him, plus she's never separating from him. Believe me I've tried. ContraTitas can go fuck themselves.

What's interesting is I told him not to come, like I had a feeling there was going to be drama. I wish I never had this attention on me, but since I do, I wonder why he felt the need to shift the limelight on him. This had nothing to do with the titas or him. It should have been all about me, the patient. KSP ang mga walanghiya! I wonder how they can go to church and pray as much as they do and yet have no clue.

Also interesting why I seemed to be on a mission to see places this year, like Yosemite, Bryce, Zion, even Indiana/Chicago people. Like I knew. Everyone's asking how I am. I really believe I'll be fine. That I'll be around for a while. And if I don't, then that's not so bad either. I've had a good run. I still have to see London, Italy, Greece, Paris, Amsterdam though. Oooh evil thought: I'm sorry I cut short my Spain vacation to be at my father's bedside. God bless Mom, K. Rene and A. Des for still putting up with his shenanigans.

I end my Anaplastic Hemangiopericytoma chronicles here. God bless Lynn, Cecile and Eugene for being good children inspite and despite of bad parents. Lessons learned? Oh the usual Life is short, live your life. Everyday is a gift, every moment can be holy and miraculous. Don't forget to say thank you, please and I'm sorry. You are always stronger than you think you are. A true family pulls together during a crisis. And in true Buddhist fashion, what's the point in resisting or fighting something? You only cause more suffering to yourself. How the rest of the world moves on despite your own personal battles. How we really are small in the scheme of things. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Voltaire might be a good one to quote: Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. I hope to keep singing for a while.