The stars of the movie For Colored Girls have been on The View all week. Today, Kerry Washington said something profound. She said "Hurt people hurt people". And that got me thinking. Lynn always said that our dad probably does what he does and says what he says because it comes from a place of pain. Sistah-friend is on to something there. I said in a previous post that I'm having a hard time forgiving him for his hissy fits. In the meantime, I'm hurting everytime I remember what he said, in the process also hurting him with MY bad behavior. A vicious cycle indeed.
It just makes me wonder: do the Mal-Titas also do what they do, coming from a world of pain?
For all my pronouncements about trying or wanting to live in the moment or the Now, I know why I'm so stressed about my dad's presence in my home. I haven't let go of Philippine Hissy Fit 2008 AND American Hissy Fit 2008. Plus all the aggravation leading up to his surgery last year. And what makes it worse is that I'm resentful that Lourdes the eldest, who was so pro-Daddy when the whole thing went down, is nowhere in sight.
Cecile keeps saying we shouldn't let past experiences stop us from making new memories with him. Unfortunately, he doesn't make it easy. And I know he is unlikely to change his ways. And that I should be the one changing how I deal with him. Since my medical problems 2 and a half years ago, I pray everyday to become a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, a better worker. And I know that when we pray for something like that, we don't magically become the person we want to be. It just means that God will give us the opportunities, trials even, to become that person. Maybe I should throw my hands up in the air and surrender, knowing that it's a lost cause.
I read that we should be patient with others' faults, because they are patient with ours. The big question is HOW.
There's an old Filipino superstition that you shouldn't give knives to someone. I believe it represents a severed relationship. Or something like that. My eldest sister and her husband gave me a set of knives when I first moved here to America. So far, it seems to have worked its bad mojo.
I cook. He won't eat. Or if he does, will eat very little. My sister cooks. He still won't eat. Plus he's never one to eat leftovers. Wants freshly prepared food each time. He told my mother he's too lazy to reheat the food. My sister finally asked him why the non-eating. He said the food's too bland. His solution? Put soy sauce in the food. So this week, I was working crazy hours because my boss is on vacation. I really didn't have time or energy to prepare anything. Plus, knowing that he doesn't eat what I prepare just makes me less inclined to do anything. Especially when he won't eat healthily. Why make a healthy meal if he'll ruin it with salt? So I decided not to leave him any food. He complains to my mother. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I figured he'll order out because he said before he'll just order Chinese food. He didn't. I bought him a sandwich last week; didn't eat it because he already ate oatmeal. I told him once before that he can't subsist on a diet of oatmeal. In one ear, out the other.
Short of force-feeding him or sticking an IV line in him, what the hell am I supposed to do?
May the young people who recently took their own lives because of anti-gay bullying rest in peace.
freaked out by the accuracy of Facebook's God Wants you to Know application. Today's message? "It's time to let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest."
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| David Rakoff | ||||
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I feel so alone in my self-inflicted misery. Seems like nobody wants to listen to me whine and complain about my dad's lack of interests or enjoyment, refusal to leave the house, walk or exercise, insisting on watching TV or sitting in front of the computer all day, and especially his non-eating (among other things he does or doesn't do or say that drive me crazy). Am I just supposed to let him go for days without a proper meal? I know I can't do anything about it, short of force feeding him or sticking an IV line in him. Mom is sick and tired of hearing about it, because she's also sick and tired of reminding him to eat. My eldest sister has taken a hands-off approach towards our family. Well she can just suck it. My two other sisters are more reasonable and patient towards my father.
Dear blog, you're my only friend. Thanks for listening.
"We need to heal our most difficult relationships by transforming them into our greatest spiritual lessons."
I went to work early today to finish paperwork. I really wanted to get a bagel and coffee even though I ate breakfast at home. I decided not to because I really shouldn't be eating bagels (even though I usually get the multi grain or wheat one.), or drinking too much coffee. Plus it's an extra expense. Then my co-worker came in and she had a drink from Dunkin' Donuts. So I thought about it even more. Plus I was getting hungry.
Voila! A patient of mine brought me hot chocolate from Starbucks. A few minutes later, our administrative assistant's husband came in with food from Dunkin' Donuts. They made a mistake filling the order, doubling the items. I ended up with a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese.
The universe listens.
I am heartbroken and appalled over the suicide of Rutgers University student Tyler Clementi. I think his roommate and classmate should be charged with manslaughter or wrongful death for their disgusting actions. Not just invasion of privacy. What were these 2 morons thinking? It is bad enough that everyone is so self-involved that we have to tweet about everything or update facebook statuses every time we cough, sneeze or pass gas. But to turn on the webcam and broadcast another person's intimate moments to the whole world? In what universe is this behavior acceptable, funny, or amusing? This issue not just affects the LGBT community. It affects everyone. Because hatred and bigotry degrades everybody.
It won't bring Tyler back to life, but I would take delight in knowing that the 2 idiots responsible for his death would be spending the rest of their sorry lives in prison.
