Mathoms, etc.

Ever since I've known her, a friend of mine has been having problems with her oldest daughter. A child of divorce, the 13 year old daughter has been threatening to live with her father for many years. (She tried to stay there for summer vacation last year---didn't even last 2 days.) The dad doesn't even live up to his visitation and custody responsibilities, a lot of times pawning his 2 kids off to his mother while he hangs out with his girlfriend.

As far as I can tell, my friend has been a great mom to her children (she's remarried and has another child). She has a history of mental illness, and it seems her daughter has inherited the gene. Puberty and hormones: probably aggravating the situation. My pal is doing everything she can so her daughter can avoid her fate of medications and therapy, even trying alternative treatments but the daughter has been so resistant. Last week, something set the daughter off and she started calling her mother ugly names, was being mean to her youngest sibling and even the poor family pet. My friend genuinely felt fearful for her life, and the safety of the rest of the family. So this weekend, my friend had to do what every parent probably hopes they would never have to do: she packed up her daughter's things, drove to her ex-husband's house, and told her daughter to get out.

Of course now, my friend is guilt-ridden, head full of doubts and what-ifs. Everyone's been telling her she did the right thing. If her daughter thinks she has it so bad at her house, then a little reality check, a little time with the (presumably) dead beat father will knock some sense into her. If she calls her asking to be picked up, tell her NO. Of course this is easy for us to say. I do not presume to know what having a mental illness is like, and I'm hoping for a happy ending to all this.

I'm writing about this because it strangely brought to mind all the drama we had last year, with the roles reversed. My brother-in-law ended up bringing our father to his siblings' house after a blow-up where our dad felt we weren't taking good enough care of him. He is actually back here again, staying with his sisters once more. Although I've had moments when I've felt bad or sorry for him and his malicious sisters, ill will continues to linger in my heart and mind. I see no end in sight, no resolution. I hope by now he has realized how much his children have done for him, not that we expect any payback. That wasn't why we did it. We did it because he is our father. But we are only human, and want some appreciation. I can only selfishly pray that he did have a better time at our homes than he is having at his sisters'. Our poor mother in the meantime has been angrily watching from the sidelines, probably wondering what went wrong, most likely blaming herself unnecessarily. If only people will get it in their heads that anytime you live with someone else, there will be problems. We're bound to make each other miserable at some point. But not to the extent where one feels physically threatened by someone's presence.

So while I say Kudos to my friend for her actions, I myself am torn by my thoughts and actions in the past year. I don't expect any big changes in my situation, but I do hope for some peace.